On Chinese Mothers and American__ Kids

January 11, 2011, New York Times

On Chinese Mothers and American Kids By LISA BELKIN

Perhaps the most talked-about story in parenting circles this week is Amy Chua‟s essay in The Wall Street Journal titled “Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior.”

Chua is a professor at Yale Law School and the author of the new book (released today) “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother,” which, like her essay, is a how-to guide for Western parents who want to learn the methods Chinese parents use to raise, as Chua puts it, “so many math whizzes and music prodigies.”

To hear Chua tell it, the secret lies in being downright mean. Her daughters, Lulu and Sophia, she writes, have never been allowed to “attend a sleepover, have a play date, be in a school play, complain about not being in a school play, watch TV or play computer games, choose their own extracurricular activities, get any grade less than an A, not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama, play any instrument other than the piano or violin, not play the piano or violin.”

In one memorable example of how this works (or doesn‟t depending on your point of view), Chua describes a tussle with her younger daughter, Lulu, who was seven years old and practicing a difficult piano piece. Chua worked “nonstop” with Lulu “drilling each of her hands separately,” then trying to put the two parts of the piece together. After a week of this, Lulu had had enough. The little girl “announced in exasperation that she was giving up and stomped off.”

What would you have done? Here is what Chua did:

“Get back to the piano now,” I ordered. “You can‟t make me.” “Oh yes, I can.”

Back at the piano, Lulu made me pay. She punched, thrashed and kicked. She grabbed the music score and tore it to shreds. I taped the score back together and encased it in a plastic shield so that it could never be destroyed again. Then I hauled Lulu‟s dollhouse to the car and told her I‟d donate it to the Salvation Army piece by piece if she didn‟t have “The Little White Donkey” perfect by the next day. When Lulu said, “I thought you were going to the Salvation Army, why are you still here?” I threatened her with no lunch, no dinner, no Christmas or Hanukkah presents, no birthday parties for two, three, four years. When she still kept playing it wrong, I told her she was purposely working herself into a frenzy because she was secretly afraid she couldn‟t do it. I told her to stop being lazy, cowardly, self-indulgent and pathetic.

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At this point Chua‟s (Western) husband stepped in.

He told me to stop insulting Lulu — which I wasn‟t even doing, I was just motivating her — and that he didn‟t think threatening Lulu was helpful. Also, he said, maybe Lulu really just couldn‟t do the technique — perhaps she didn‟t have the coordination yet — had I considered that possibility? “You just don‟t believe in her,” I accused.

“That‟s ridiculous,” Jed said scornfully. “Of course I do.” “Sophia could play the piece when she was this age.” “But Lulu and Sophia are different people,” Jed pointed out. “Oh no, not this,” I said, rolling my eyes.

“Everyone is special in their special own way,” I mimicked sarcastically. “Even losers are special in their own special way.”

Eventually — after so much yelling that Chua lost her voice — Lulu learned the piece, and even felt triumphant about it, her mother writes. ”Western parents worry a lot about their children‟s self-esteem,” she concludes. “But as a parent, one of the worst things you can do for your child‟s self-esteem is to let them give up. On the flip side, there‟s nothing better for building confidence than learning you can do something you thought you couldn‟t.”

And that is Chua‟s basic philosophy, the thing that separates Chinese mothers from weak-willed, indulgent Westerners. “What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you‟re good at it,” she writes. “To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences.”

In an essay in The New York Times Magazine this coming weekend, Judith Warner places Chua‟s preachings into a larger context — just another in the decades-long parade of ways that parents have tried to do their job “right.” Looked at through that lens, Warner argues, Chua‟s model is being marketed as a timely antidote to “the whole mishmash of modern, attuned, connected, concerned, self-esteem-building parenting,” which, in turn, was a response to the laissez faire, be-your-child‟s-friend, kind of parenting that came before that. “Despite the obvious limits of Chua‟s appeal,” Warner writes, “her publisher is clearly banking on her message finding wide resonance among American moms worn out from trying to do everything right for kids who mimic Disney Channel-style disrespect for parents, spend hours a day on Facebook, pick at their lovingly prepared food and generally won‟t get with the program.”

In other words, we parents are always looking for a new way because the (most recent) “old way” didn‟t work. And we originally fixated on that “old way” because the way before wasn‟t perfect either. And perfect, after all, is the goal — the one thing that all these recalibrations of parenting wisdom have in common.

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As Warner writes:

Through all the iterations of Mommy madness, „„good‟‟ and „„bad,‟‟ this article of faith always remains intact: that parents can have control. Developmental neuroscientists may talk of genes and as-yet-undiscovered-and-hence-uncontrollable environmental factors that affect the developing fetus, social scientists may talk of socioeconomic background and the predictive power of parents‟ level of education — the rest of us keep hope alive that parental actions, each and every moment of each and every better-lived day, have the ultimate ability to shape a child‟s life outcome. The notion that parental choices — for early-onset Suzuki or otherwise — have this uniquely determinative effect is, in light of current research, almost adorably quaint, akin to beliefs that cats must be kept out of a baby‟s bedroom at night lest they climb into the crib and suck away the child‟s breath. But it remains part and parcel of modern mother love.

Powerful evidence that what Chua advocates is not ancient universal truth, but rather just the latest trend, can be found one click away from her essay in the Journal — in an article by the reporter Victoria Ruan. Titled “In China, Not All Practice Tough Love,” it describes how mothers there are turning from parenting that stresses “discipline and authority” and making best sellers of books like “A Good Mom Is Better Than a Good Teacher” and “Catching Children‟s Sensitive Periods” and “My Kid Is a Medium-Ranking Student.” They are also importing titles from the West, including John Gray‟s “Children Are From Heaven: Positive Parenting Skills for Raising Cooperative, Confident and Compassionate Children,” (yes, the same John Gray who wrote the “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” books) and “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk,” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. All of which leaves us with the following conclusions:

1. The latest parenting trend in the United States is potentially Chinese in origin while the latest parenting trend in China is potentially Western.

2. The reason parents on both sides of the globe are searching for new ways is because there really is no one ideal way.

3. If neither path is foolproof, then we should feel free to choose what feels best for us, rather than what is “best.”

Given such a choice, I choose to be the parent who does not lose her voice screaming over a piano exercise (even if it means the child drops piano lessons) and who does allow her child to go on sleepovers and perform in the school play (even if it means a little less time drilling math equations). How about you?

Copyright 2011 The New York Times Company

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Language Study

1. parent: to act as a parent to; raise and nurture 抚养或养育 2. Hymn: 赞美诗，赞歌 3. how-to

adj. offering practical advice and detailed instruction in an activity. 提供入门知识的，教你怎么做的

n. something, such as a book or learning situation, that provides practical advice and detailed instruction in an activity. 入门指导，入门性训练活动 She read a how-to on plumbing.

她读了一本关于怎么安装管道的书。

The weekend was a real how-to for would-be campers. 这个周末对未来野营者进行了真正的培训。 4. math whiz: 数学奇才 music prodigy：音乐天才

5. downright: (of sth undesirable) thorough; complete (指不喜欢的事物)彻底的，完全的

mean: cruel 残酷的

6. extracurricular activities: 课外活动

extra-: prefix, outside; beyond 在…之外 ET: extraterritorial 地球之外的，外星的 Curriculum : （学校所开设的）全部课程

7. tussle : struggle or fight, esp. to take sth away from sb. 争斗；扭打 8. music score: 乐谱

9. Salvation Army: 救世军（准军事形式的国际性基督教福音派教会组织。以其对穷人的救助和铜管乐队而闻名） 10. Hanukkah: （犹太教的）光明节 11. self-indulgent: 自我放纵的；任性的 a self-indulgent extra hour of sleep 放纵自己多睡的一小时懒觉

12. motivate: stimulate (someone’s) interest in or enthusiasm for doing something 激发（某人的）积极性

it is the teacher’s job to motivate the child at school 教师的任务是激发孩子的积极性

13. mimic: imitate (someone or their actions or words), typically in order to entertain or ridicule

（尤指逗笑或嘲弄）模仿 mimicked, mimicking

sarcastic: 讽刺的，挖苦的，嘲笑的 sarcastically, adv.

14. flip side: another aspect or version of something, especially its reverse or its unwanted concomitant 对应面，对立面，反面 virtues are the flip side of vices 善事恶的对立面

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15. antidote: something that counteracts or neutralizes an unpleasant feeling or situation 矫正方法；对抗手段

laughter is a good antidote to stress 笑是对抗压力的良方

16. mishmash: a confused mixture 杂乱一堆；大杂烩 a mishmash of outmoded ideas. 一大堆杂乱的过时的想法

17. attune: （一般作 be attuned）make receptive or aware 认可；接受 a society more attuned to consumerism than ideology 一个更接纳消费主义而不是意识形态的社会 18. laissez-faire: （法语）自由放任主义；（经济）政府对自由市场不加干涉的经济政策

19. recalibration: 重新校准 20. iteration: 重复；重申 21. fetus: 胎儿

22. foolproof: effective; infallible 有效的；绝无谬误的

Appreciation of English Essays

Poet’s Sorrow

When I was in school we were graded on memorizing and on whether we had gotten the feel of a poem. At Vanderbilt in the freshman English course, I had to memorize at least 200 lines a term. Today, young people aren‟t obliged to do that. When I taught at Yale I would often ask students in a seminar which of them could quote a poem all the way through. Only once did I ever get a person who could do so. Modern youngsters never have a chance to learn anything about poetry. It‟s the practicality of a world in which education no longer teaches you how to live, just how to learn to make a living. A whole side of the self is gone.

—by Robert Penn Warren, first American Poet Laureate

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