The day I first come to university 彭婷

102班 彭婷 20104210218

1st draft

The Day I First Come to University

The day I first come to university was full of surprises. It was sunny and warm. My aunt who kept a companion with me and I arrived at HengYang in the morning. Before long the old students guided me to enter the university. And they helped me to take my bags to my dorm room，which I thought I had to do by myself. After we taken my bags to my dorm room, I found the dorm room was more comfortable than I expected. At least, it was tidy. It was time for lunch when my aunt and I cleaned up the room. And I needed to buy something I would use. Then I found there were many little stores under my dorm building. Also the school canteen was not so far. That’s really very lucky. To me, all these things were big surprises.

评价：

优点：主题句鲜明，细节充分相关，结尾与开篇照应。

缺点：句式结构单一，无变化。

2nd draft

The Day I First Come to University

The day I first come to university was full of surprises. It was sunny and warm. In the morning, I arrived at HengYang with my aunt, whose aim was to keep a companion with me. It’s not so long time, before I was guided to enter the university by some old students. And with their help, my parcel was taken to my dorm room finally, which was so badly heavy, which I thought I had to do by myself, which truly bothered me once. After they went with sweat and tire, I looked my dorm room up and down, finding it was more comfortable than I expected, honestly, which did excite me. At least, it was tidy. It was time for lunch when my aunt and I cleaned up the room. And I also needed to buy something I would use. Then I found there were many little stores under my dorm building. Nay, the school canteen was not so far. That’s really very lucky. To me, all these things were big surprises.